Why change feels so hard - and how psychology can help?

You know it is time for a change. You have thought about it, maybe for weeks, maybe for years. A shift in how you take care of your body, how you spend your time, how you show up at work — or something deeper, like stepping into a new career, or living more fully into who you are now becoming. The desire is real, and you feel ready. And yet when you try to move forward, the change stays just out of reach.

Why does this happen, even when you know what you want?

Let's explore what makes real change psychologically so difficult — and how understanding transition can help you find a way through.

Change challenges your identity - insights from psychology

At the root of why change feels so hard is a simple but often overlooked truth:

Change is not just about doing something different. It is about becoming someone different.

Identity theory (Stryker and Burke, 2000) shows that the roles we occupy and the patterns we live by become deeply woven into how we see ourselves. Your career, your relationships, your daily habits - they are not just what you do. They are who you are.

When you try to change, you are not simply adjusting a routine. You are loosening the psychological anchors that have kept your identity stable and familiar. Even if these patterns no longer fit, they still offer a form of safety. Moving away from them can feel like a kind of grief — a letting go of the version of yourself that once made sense.

Imagining your possible selves

Simply wanting change is not enough. You also need to be able to see who you are becoming.

Possible selves, a concept introduced by Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius (1986), describes the future versions of ourselves we hope to achieve, and the ones we fear. These mental images shape how we act and how we persist through uncertainty.

In my work with clients, we often spend time imagining the desired future, and for good reason. The brain cannot easily picture the absence of something - it needs a positive image to move toward. Fully embodying where you want to be is not wishful thinking. It is a necessary part of building the bridge between your current life and the one you want.

Helpful insight: Start anyway

One of the most difficult parts of change is that you have to act on behalf of your future self before you fully feel like that person.

This is where Oliver Burkeman’s insight in Meditations for Mortals becomes crucial. He writes:

"Do not wait until you have become the kind of person who does those things. Start doing them now, and you will become that kind of person through doing them."

Burkeman’s reminder is simple but profound: You do not feel different first and then act differently. You act differently, and through that action, your identity begins to shift.

Mel Robbins echoes a similar truth in her work on behavior change. In The 5 Second Rule, she puts it even more bluntly:

"You are never going to feel like it. Motivation is garbage. You only feel motivated to do the things that are easy. At some point, you just have to stop waiting and start doing."

Conclusion: becoming is the real work

If change feels harder than it should, it is because real change touches the core of how you see yourself.

It asks you to imagine a possible self, to trust that image enough to act, and to keep moving even when the ground beneath you feels unstable. It demands that you start before you feel ready and believe that readiness will be built along the way.

So let me leave you with a few gentle questions:

What do you already know needs to change - and what do you need to let go of?

What might your future self thank you for doing today?

What would taking one small step look like this week?

And, remember: you do not need to rush. But you do get to begin.

About me

I’m Nelli, a counseling psychologist and career coach. I guide people navigate the messy, meaningful in-between moments of change. Based in Abu Dhabi, I work with clients both locally and online worldwide. If you'd like to talk, book your first chat for free - no pressure, just a conversation.

References:

• Baumeister, R. F., & Heatherton, T. F. (1996). Self-regulation failure: An overview. Psychological Inquiry, 7 (1), 1–15.

• Burkeman, O. (2024). Meditations for Mortals.

• Campbell, J. D. (1990). Self-esteem and clarity of the self-concept. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59 (3), 538–549.

• Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American Psychologist, 41 (9), 954–969.

• Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1982). Transtheoretical therapy: Toward a more integrative model of change. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 19 (3), 276–288.

• Robbins, M. (2017). The 5 Second Rule: Transform your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage. Savio Republic.

• Stryker, S., & Burke, P. J. (2000). The past, present, and future of an identity theory. Social Psychology Quarterly, 63 (4), 284–297.